“Controllers, abusers, and manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.” ~ Darlene Ouimet
People who are psychologically manipulative:
1) Are Quick to Become Angry.
Anger is not always a sign of manipulation but people who use psychological manipulation use anger as a ready tool in their bag of tricks. Most people are uncomfortable with anger and conflict and will back away from someone who is agitated. Manipulators know this and use this to their advantage. They are not afraid to pitch a fit in public because they know you will back down for fear of being embarrassed or don’t want to cause a scene.
2) Use Ultimatums And Threats.
“If you don’t give me my way, I will…” This can trap you into an abusive situation because you are afraid of the outcome; whatever it may be.
3) Will Distort What Really Happened.
Manipulators have a way of rewriting history or distorting the facts of what actually happened in a situation. They use absolute words like “you always” and “you never” Eventually you may come to believe this alternative version of what happened. They do this to either better serve their own needs or to unbalance the power in the relationship by trying to make you feel intellectually inferior. They are very good at putting up a facade of being intellectually superior when in truth their facts are bogus.
4) Pretend To Be Concerned About You.
Psychological manipulators ask you things about yourself as if they care. This way you can never accuse them of not caring but if you pay attention, the conversation always leads back to them and their feelings or their needs.
5) Criticize You Often.
You will notice that they are hypercritical of you. They break you down over time by making you feel inadequate as a person, employee or partner. They are constantly pointing out your flaws. They may try to cover up these actions by saying they are only trying to help you or by saying they were only joking.
6) Are Masters Of The Guilt Trip.
They often play on your sympathy by making you think you have or are going to hurt their feelings if you do or don’t do something. Or they may pretend to be physically ill or in pain when you want them to do a chore or go somewhere with them that they don’t want to go. (it is common to notice that they will quickly bounce back or recover if a friend calls them and asks them to do something they prefer to do.)
7) Act Like A Different Person When You Are Alone With Them.
When in a group of friends or around family members; they can be quite charming and extraordinarily attentive to you. They do everything right. Psychological manipulators are very aware of public perception. But when it is just the two of you they can be mean, cold and distant. They don’t seem to do all the nice things without an audience. When you try to talk with these same friends and family members about any relationship problems, they tend to tell you that your partner loves you very much and you are probably making something out of nothing.
8) Are Pushy.
They tend to rush you through the decision making process in order to get the outcome that they want. They may hurry you into a purchase or a permanent relationship.
9) Try To Change Who You Are Over Time.
Do you feel like you are losing yourself or becoming an empty shell of a person? A healthy relationship promotes growth, happiness and fulfillment; not low self-esteem and shame.
10) Take Advantage Of Your Trusting Nature.
If you are a generally trusting person, be careful. Words and gestures cannot be trusted in and of themself. Some people do not deserve your trust. Watch for consistency in their behavior patterns before you decide to give your trust.
11) Give You Heavy Doses Of The Silent Treatment.
This can be worse than the biggest argument. You might notice this in the early stages of the relationship, when you are still trying to learn how to please your new friend, boss or partner. Silent treatment works even better when you hate conflict. When the other person is ignoring you, it can make you feel desperate to figure out what you did wrong and how you can fix the problem or soothe the upset feelings. Since the other person has stubbornly planted themselves in silence, you feel like you have no choice but to end the madness by giving in to them.
12) Make You Doubt Your Ability To Perceive Reality Accurately.
Once you start doubting yourself, you’re in trouble. Self-doubt is a sign that the manipulator is gaining control over you. Your constant emotional state of upset guilt, shame and insignificance eventually begins to wear you down.
13) Place Their Needs As The Priority, Not Yours.
Manipulators are motivated by their own success and fulfillment, not yours.
14) Do Not Respect Your Boundaries.
They will crowd you, touch you (even if you’ve asked them not to), ask very personal questions and invade your space whenever they feel like it. Victims of psychological manipulation commonly have never been good at setting boundaries. Establishing or redefining boundaries will be important in breaking the pattern of being manipulated.
Best of Wishes,
Mark Webb
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles www.TheRelationshipSpecialist.com