9 Points To Consider When Striving To Restore Trust When There Has Been A Betrayal
“A single lie discovered is enough to create doubt in every truth expressed.” ~ Unknown
1) Trust Takes Years To Build, Seconds To Break, And May Take A Lifetime To Repair.
Trust in a relationship is a matter of commitment. It reflects a support of each other and their thoughts and feelings. You are able to be vulnerable without hesitation. You respect each other and the boundaries that allow for and promote physical and emotional safety. You feel like your friend or partner listens and truly cares.
2) Actions Not Words.
If the person who has betrayed you is trying to reconcile their wrong, you will notice that they will be truly sincere. They will be very thoughtful in their listening. They will be very patient with you as it can take a long time to process all the aspects of the betrayal.
3) A Strong And Sincere Apology Is Necessary.
If you have betrayed someone, you need to act as if it is unforgiveable as opposed to asking for quick forgiveness. People who struggle with saying “I’m sorry.” will really screw this up. So, if this applies to you; you will need to swallow your pride and grow up. You cannot make a half-hearted apology and expect the other person to let the betrayal go. The friendship or relationship will never be able to adequately heal if you are not truly sincere in your apology.
“Tell a lie once, and all your truths become questionable.” ~ Unknown
4)Believing In Your Partner/Friend Again.
It’s bad enough that they have betrayed you. Now, you have to constantly wonder if you can believe them. That is why they must be remorseful about the betrayal and sincere as they discuss the betrayal. The more sincere they are about their betrayal and the more honestly remorseful they are, the easier it will be for you to believe in them again. You have to be willing to believe in them and your relationship again if the two of you are going to have a positive future together.
5) Becoming Vulnerable Again.
People don’t like the word vulnerable to begin with. No matter how sincere the betrayer is, the healing still falls back onto you. Can you fully let them in again?
6) Be Careful With How Much Of The Past You Allow To Affect You.
This point is crucial to both the person who was betrayed and the one who betrayed the trust. The event or events can become a sticking point that neither of you can ever get over. It can redefine who you are for the rest of your life. You may conclude that no one can ever be trusted or that you will never be worthy of being trusted again. These distorted choices will chain you to your past without a chance of ever having a future of love, hope and reconciliation.
“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.” ~ William Blake
7) Do You Need To Know All Of The Details?
Some people want to know all of the details of what happened and others don’t. This is a matter of preference but it needs to be strongly considered beforehand because you cannot undo the knowing once you know.
8) Why Did You Do It In The First Place?
This question is for the person who betrayed the relationship. Does your untrustworthy behavior reflect a defect in your character? Does it reveal that you have gotten off track in how you are living your life? Have you loosened your morals and values? Are you associating with people of poor character and negative behaviors?
9) Is It A Good Idea To End Things Now?
If the person who has betrayed you has been a lousy friend or partner, then now may be a good time to walk away from this relationship. If the other person has been a great friend or partner up to this point, then you should consider working through the process of healing and rebuilding.
“The only way you can make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him.” ~ Henry L. Stimson
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles at www. TheRelationshipSpecialist.com