Have You Been Betrayed By Someone You Trusted?

“Betrayal is a deep knife wound that only heals with time, forgiveness, and a willingness to rebuild trust.”

~ Unknown

Have you ever been betrayed by a friend or family member? Was the betrayal by a coworker, supervisor or someone in a position of authority who should be trustworthy like a church leader? Regardless of whom it was, betrayal can be life changing and if you’re not careful, it can create a major setback in your health and wellness.

Here are some questions you should examine if you are trying to decide what you should do with this breach of trust:

1. How much does your history together matter? Have you had a longstanding friendship with this person? Have they been a good friend or close family member? Is this the first time they have been disloyal or the tenth?
2. Have you both changed or grown apart? Have you outgrown this person? Were they friends in childhood or adolescence but as adults the values and life goals are much different now?
3. Is the person talking responsibility for their actions? Do they even admit or acknowledge that they have done something wrong or hurtful? Do they always seem to have a person to blame or a “good reason” why the betrayal occurred?
4. Are they sincere and apologetic for their betrayal? Do they have a flippant attitude as if you are making a big deal out of nothing or can you tell they are truly sorry for what they have done?
5. Are they trying to make amends? They may express a willingness to make things right but talk is cheap. Offenders often say they’ll do anything but in reality, are they really making a sincere effort?
6. Is this relationship beyond repair? Is their betrayal considered a deal breaker? Are they likely to do the same thing again? Even if you forgive them, will you ever trust them again?
7. Would therapy be a good option? Or have you considered talking with a church leader? Would seeking an outside source of professional wisdom be a way to help you bridge the emotional gap and rebuild the trust between you two? This option is often a good one if the relationship has been historically important to you.

“Betrayal is a painful reminder that trust should be earned and never taken for granted.”
~ Unknown

Here are 10 Steps To Help You Heal From The Betrayal:

1) Accept the reality of what’s happened

Don’t stick your head in the sand and pretend that nothing has happened. Maybe you are ashamed that they were able to get the best of you or to make a fool out of you. The truth is still the truth.

2) Choose peace of mind

You always have a choice. Make sure you choose peace over carrying the internal burden of hauling around resentment and conflict. You don’t have to know how to achieve peace at first. The answers will come once you’ve made the choice for peace.

3) Take time to sit with your feelings

Process what’s happened and how you’re thinking and feeling about the situation. Take time to grieve.

4) Don’t be reactive

It’s better and more mature to respond. This is another reason it is usually best to take your time in deciding how you are going to handle the situation.

5) Don’t seek revenge and don’t retaliate

These are negative reactions to a betrayal and they will ultimately destroy your sense of self and will probably lead you onto a path where you will most likely end up like the person who betrayed you. You definitely don’t want that to happen.

6) Consider giving yourself a break from this person

This can vary from days, weeks or months. A break can help give you clarity as to whether you truly want this person in your life. You may come to realize that you don’t miss them at all.

7) Seek a confidant

This can be a therapist, family member or friend. It helps to have a person to vent to. Let this person know that you don’t want them to tell you what to do. You simply want a safe outlet to get these thoughts and feelings off your chest.

8) Don’t fixate on the past or what might have been

Grieving what is not going to happen is part of grief so don’t let this aspect throw you off. Acknowledge this and move on.

9) Plug in as opposed to withdrawing from others

Do not let your grief close you off from current friends and family and do not let this betrayal keep you from making new friends.

10) Don’t declare that you will never trust anyone ever again

This common mistake is made in the height of your upset feelings. Trust is needed for good health and happiness. Don’t make trust an all or nothing type issue. Think in terms of shades of gray. You can trust different people to different degrees.

“Betrayal may shatter our faith in others, but it should never shatter our faith in ourselves.”
~ Unknown

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at Oakwood Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles at www.TheRelationshipSpecialist.com