How To Support A Friend Who Is Grieving
By Mark Webb
1) Don’t Try To Fix The Situation.
Your friend’s loss cannot be fixed, repaired or solved. The pain itself cannot be made better. Do not say anything that tries to fix the unfixable.
2) Be Willing To Be Uncomfortable.
You will most likely witness some of the worse emotional pain you have ever seen. Be prepared for this because supporting a person who is grieving can be quite hard. You most likely will be faced with situations in which you don’t know what to do or to say. Nothing will seem to make your friend feel better.
3) Don’t Tell Them What They Could Be Doing Differently
Grief is a very personal experience, and belongs entirely to the person experiencing it. You may believe you would do things differently if this had happened to you, but the grief belongs to your friend so follow their lead. Your well-intended advice could quickly alienate your from your friend.
4) Don’t Say Things Like…
“I know how you feel.” “They are in a better place.” or “Things will get better.” Instead, say things like “I know this hurts.” “I love you.” And “I’m here.”
5) Don’t Take Things Personally.
Your feelings will most likely be hurt. You may feel ignored and unappreciated. Don’t take it personally and don’t make this be about you. Your friend most likely won’t be able to be the friend you are used to so you may have to lean on others for your own support while supporting your friend who is grieving.
6) Make Sure They Eat
It may be weeks or months before the person grieving feels up to cooking so make sure they get something to eat. Check their refrigerator and bring them simple to prepare items.
7) They May Not Want To Be Alone.
If somebody lost a spouse, they may not want to be alone at night. You can offer to sleep over if that’s something you’re comfortable with. You can just be present without saying anything. Just hanging out on those sad days without saying much can be extremely supportive.
8) They Won’t Call.
Do not say “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will not call. Not because they do not need you but because they are in a bad place mentally and emotionally. Instead, make concrete offers such as “I will be there at 9 a.m. on Monday morning to put your trash can on the street.” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work and walk your dog.”
9) Lessen Their Daily Tasks.
You can lessen the burden by staying on top of recurring tasks or chores. Things like walking their dog, refilling prescriptions, bringing in the mail, helping them pay their bills and mowing their lawn. Don’t do anything inside of the house unless you ask first. Sometimes washing the sheets and cleaning up can cause anxiety and sadness because you may be undoing memories of their loved one.
10) Help Them With The Hard Tasks.
Things like casket shopping, mortuary visits, the packing of clothes and cleaning of rooms. Offer your assistance and follow through with your offers. Follow your friend’s lead in these tasks. Your presence alongside them is powerful and important.
11) Be Something Of A Gatekeeper.
The stream of people who want to show their support can be seriously overwhelming to a person who is grieving. This is an intensely personal and private time. You can shield your friend by setting yourself up as the designated person who relays information to the outside world.
12) Grief Never Really Stops.
Things just get different. Just show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand by your friend. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be a friend.
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles at www. TheRelationshipSpecialist.com