By Mark Webb, The Relationship Specialist
“Let go of the people who dull your shine, poison your spirit, and bring you drama.” ~ Dr. Steve Maraboli
How can you tell if someone is toxic? Here are 14 qualities that will help you clarify if they are toxic or not:
1) Are they trying to control you? Or does it at least seem like they are trying to?
2) Do they keep doing things that you’ve asked them to stop doing, as if they are trying to upset you?
3) Is your relationship with them very one-sided? Are the conversations pretty much always about them and their concerns?
4) Do they take advantage of your kindness and compassion?
5) Do they always have to be right?
6) Do they flat out lie to your face?
7) Do they mislead you or purposely withhold information?
8) Do they do a good job of playing the role of a victim?
9) Do they act like everybody and everything is against them?
10) Do they have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde quality to them? Are you routinely wondering which personality is going to show up?
11) Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells around them?
12) Are they self-centered?
13) Do they act differently when it is just you and them, as opposed to when other people are around?
14) Can their moods shift on a dime? Can they become easily agitated or emotionally cold without provocation?
15) Do they seem to try to cause problems between you and other people, almost as if to bait you into conflicts with others? This is what we therapists call “splitting behavior”.
“Growing up means realizing a lot of your friends aren’t really your friends.” ~ Unknown
Here Are Six Warning Signs That It May Be Time To Cut Off A Toxic Person:
1) You feel a need to fix the other person.
2) You make excuses for their behavior.
3) You feel drained after you have spent time with them.
4) You feel on edge because you never know what to expect from them.
5) You feel guilt even though you can’t explain why.
6) You avoid subjects that could upset them.
“In life, we never lose friends, we only learn who the true ones are.” ~ Unknown
Here Are Six Things To Consider Before You Cut Off And Set Yourself Free From A Toxic Person:
1) Explore how you may be contributing to the toxicity of the relationship.
I believe that whenever you are having a problem with someone, it is always best to take a good hard look in the mirror first. Don’t overlook this step or you can very easily repeat your choice in friends or partner.
2) Answer the question, what is it that I like about them?
I’m sure the person isn’t all bad. What are the pros and cons of cutting the questionable person out of your life? Do they make you laugh? Are they readily available when you want someone to be around? Are they willing to help with some of the challenges in your life? Sometimes a toxic person will do just enough to keep you feeling like the relationship goes both ways.
3) Acknowledge to yourself that you haven’t done anything wrong.
It is surprisingly hard to end relationships with people who are toxic. If you end things harshly then you tend to feel guilty which serves to draw you back into the relationship.
“It is better to be alone than in bad company.” ~ George Washington
4) Back Off Just A Little To Begin With.
Make a gradual decline in your level of interaction with them and see what happens. You most likely will notice an increased sense of peace and relaxation. Do they try harder to do better or do they easily let you go?
5) Set A Firm Boundary With Them If Needed.
When you are dealing with a more serious case of toxicity from someone, you may have to spell out what you will or will no longer tolerate from them. This may include you spelling out the consequences if they push the matter. Be careful not to set a boundary that you won’t stick with. Otherwise, it is just meaningless threat.
6) Stand Up For Yourself.
People treat you the way you train them to treat you. If you do not stand up for yourself, you are basically saying it is okay for them to do whatever they wish. The people you associate with can have a tremendous influence on your confidence, happiness and physical health. Make sure you protect yourself and your future.
“Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends and family.” ~ Unknown
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles at www. TheRelationshipSpecialist.com